Old letters....

I was helping my mom clean out and organize her office and we stumbled upon a package of old letters I had written home from college. I brought them home and read them last night and I was overwhelmed with shame. I know, I was only 18 years old, but I was so self-centered, so shallow, so empty of deep thought, so silly. I was 18. I want so much more for Annsley when she is 18. I want Annsley to be more like this. (Make sure to scroll down to March 6th entry.) I stumbled upon her at A Circle of Quiet who knows this 18 year old girl in real life and says she is every bit as wonderful as her thoughtful writing indicates.

It is only through God's grace, I know, that I am not the person I was when I was 18 years old. (Thank you, God!!) I am actually going to throw the letters away. There is nothing terrible in there. I really didn't do much that would be considered bad in college. I got excellent grades. I held down jobs. I even taught Sunday school for a while. But, I don't want my children to remember me that way when I am gone. It is the same reason I got rid of old journals. I want my children to remember the woman that God has changed me into and not what I once was. Maybe this is revisionist history, but honestly, I don't want to know any dirt on my mom when she is gone...or my Grandma. I want to remember them as the Godly women and examples that they are in my life.

It was a good exercise to read them again. It caused me to realize how far I've come (and how much exasperation I must have given my parents.) I really don't expect my children to be perfect. I know that immaturity accompanies youth. I know that at 18 they will not be as wise as they will be at 37 (38 in 16 more days.) I also know I will probably look back on this blog when I am 60 and wonder how I could have possibly thought the things I now believe so firmly. I guess that is the way of wisdom.

The most well-worn pages in my Bible include one of my favorite verses.

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. James 1:5

God, please give me wisdom!